[00:00:00] Speaker A: Leadership isn't about titles. It's about vision, resilience, and growth. I'm Erica Butler, and on the Go Hire show, we talk about the tools and strategies that help you lead with impact, grow your business, and build teams that thrive. From real estate to cultural agility, from managing diverse teams to creating work life harmony, Go Higher helps you rise above challenges and step into your next level. Catch Go Higher every week on Now Media Television, we're streaming on Roku, Apple TV, Sirius XM, iHeartRadio and all other major platforms. Let's go Higher together.
[00:00:36] Speaker B: Welcome to Go Higher with Erica Butler, where we bring you conversations that help all of us rise higher in business, leadership and life. Today, I'm focused on something that's deeply personal and extremely important because no matter how successful we may look on the outside, the quality of our relationships shape the quality of our lives, and it spills over into everything else we do.
So I'm so thankful today to be with an expert. We have Paul Zohab. He is the founder of Marriage and Communication Coaching, and he has decades of experience helping marriages heal walk into a better future. He is an expert in all of this. He helps all ages. And he also is an author.
So I'm so excited to hear more about his book. And he has another book coming out shortly. So welcome to the show, Paul. We're thrilled to have you today.
[00:01:27] Speaker C: Thank you for inviting me. I would point out, even though the person who goes to work is two people, the person who comes from home and his family and his children, and the person shows up for work to do the work of the enterprise, and we got to be very clear, I say this in LinkedIn.
We're talking here about who wakes up in the morning before they go to work.
[00:01:52] Speaker B: Good. Thank you for clarifying that. Well, let's dive right in because we have a ton to cover.
So, you know, I already told you this, but I have great respect for the work you do. And I think the more people we can get the word out about this and that the key of communication is, the better. So let's dive in. What would you say are the most common communication breakdowns you see in marriages today?
[00:02:15] Speaker C: It starts with a discouraging lack of communication skills.
Our schools do not have communication and relationship skills.
In, for instance, a high school, we'll teach them science, technology, engineering and math, stem, and not prepare them to go to work for somebody, along somebody or marry somebody. So the first and foremost is inability to communicate clearly with mutual honor and respect.
[00:02:43] Speaker B: That's number one, because that's where people get hurt. That makes a lot of sense because when you're not respectful in kind of communication, you really hurt the other party as well as yourself. So that makes sense. Thank you for sharing that.
[00:02:56] Speaker C: Most people tend to react.
I say something to you, you'll react.
I say, you say something to me, I tend to react.
And reacting is perfectly illegitimate. When the light turns red, I really want you to stop and not think about it.
However, in human relationships, we are obliged to pause, reflect, and choose.
And so the very first skill. I'll insert it here. Thank you for listening.
Start your sentences with yes as often as possible.
What does this mean?
Because yes means I'm responding, I'm not reacting. Check. So yes means I'm listening, check. Yes means I just heard what you said to me, check. And once you have those elements in place, you are then connected. It's like dialing a telephone.
Yes.
And after that you say, and how should we handle this? And let's pick a time to talk. So between the yes and and you've dialed the phone, they've picked up on the other side and you'll be able to say and lets you choose the direction of your relationship from that moment on. Yes.
[00:04:04] Speaker B: I love that. And I love that you said we. How should we handle this? You know, like them against whatever problem together. Oh, wow, that's, that's great.
[00:04:13] Speaker C: Well, how you consider your marriage as if it's a bubble.
Bubble which lets you see your boundaries. Now that you have boundaries, you can ask the question. Is what I'm about to do or say belong in our marriage or not? If not, don't do it. If yes, it's because we've communicated and agree that this is how we behave with each other in our bubble. And if you're not sure, communicate until you are sure.
A bubble is a very useful image.
[00:04:42] Speaker B: The clients you coach and counsel, what do you advise them to put in that bubble and what do you advise them to keep out of that bubble?
[00:04:49] Speaker C: Well, first of all, we don't we agree that nothing gets in our bubble unless we both agree.
Because people talk to their mother in laws, they talk to their friends, they get unsolicited advice from people outside of the bubble.
And I teach them this. Someone says, oh, I think you know, you ought to do this.
And you say yes, I hear you. Remember, yes. Ands. Thank you for sharing. I'll bring it up with my spouse. Let's change the subject.
We do not let anything enter our bubble that we haven't previously agreed is okay to do so. We want to maintain a high integrity bubble with boundaries. And then we're safe.
We wake up in a safe environment, we go to sleep in a safe environment, and nothing impinges on our life that we don't agree to be there.
[00:05:42] Speaker B: The word I thought with that is protection and like rest. You know, feeling that, to put that, that's really beautiful.
[00:05:49] Speaker C: Nothing messes up a relationship faster than talking to your mother about your marriage. Sorry.
And they don't know what you said, they don't know what they heard. And. And sometimes they come back at your spouse to say, I heard your spouse say, and safety is gone, bubble.
[00:06:06] Speaker B: Yeah, it seems quite unfair because that other person's not there to share their, you know, so. Wow.
[00:06:11] Speaker C: I can tell you some horror stories. I've seen about 2,000 plus couples and I've heard some real doozies.
[00:06:16] Speaker B: Wow. Well, you know, we're talking about words, but can you tell me a little bit about tone? Is there anything you do with tone regarding your counseling and coaching for couples?
[00:06:27] Speaker C: Well, the word and is magical.
Anything after the word and dictates the direction in which we want to go.
And the tone is like.
And with a rising inflection.
Whether it's your own life, flat tire. And no, I'm not sure how I'm comfortable with this. And so I'm feeling kind of bad today.
And you don't have to be stuck longer than it takes to say and
[00:06:59] Speaker B: okay, so then the tone, I mean, you're talking more than about that match. Start with that magical word and build from there.
[00:07:05] Speaker C: With a rising inflection, you could say, well, rising, rising.
[00:07:08] Speaker B: Okay, more positive, more welcoming, more.
[00:07:11] Speaker C: Okay, yeah, now we go. And, and we. Okay, the door is open to communication and three letter word.
[00:07:19] Speaker B: How does the tone of communication begin to shape the emotional climate of the relationship over time? Does that matter?
[00:07:26] Speaker C: 100% present. We ought not be talking, right? If you're very grateful, very generously because, well, most people are hardly ever 90% present. But that 10%, you're not going to hear something, you're going to misunderstand something. And from that moment on, anything you say, it's garbage.
So if you want to, you know, you want to. The only access you have to the future of your moment and your marriage is now.
Now.
So we want to, we want to be very. Be careful. Like if you come home from work, someone. I have some people come to me from United Parcel Service. They come home after a day and they're browns and they were exhausted from Driving their step van all day long.
And yet their partner's been speaking baby all day long. Because they've been often taking care of the child or children.
And so. But if you're not ready to talk, don't. So the UPS driver or the Amazon driver says, yes, give me half an hour to get out of my browns and shower and I'll be right with you.
If you're not all there, don't talk. Because it's an invitation down the rabbit hole.
[00:08:39] Speaker B: Can prevent a lot from just doing that simple thing that's amazing. That's really tangible.
When communication starts breaking down, what is usually at risk first? Is it trust, Safety, connection? Or would you say it's something else?
[00:08:52] Speaker C: It's still. I don't see.
Unless you're listening. You know, when things start to break down, you take a timeout, for instance, you say, hang on a second, I'm not really ready to talk about this. Can you give me about an hour or two, then I can talk.
You want to set yourselves up for being present with one another in the land of us, by which I mean relationships are in us. They're not you, and they're not about me. They're about us, the thing that's greater than the sum of its parts.
And so we want to use the language of us, we, us, ours, together, because that's what's. It's. That's a specialized language for an us.
And us lives inside the bubble with our children.
So the other image I use, what's an us? So if us has sprung a leak, we want to say, hang on a second.
You know, Junior's getting kind of tired. Can we go home soon or. Hang on a second. It seems to me we've never really talked about this at Great Life. Let's pick a good time where we can meet.
So basically, if things start to go ghost down, one of us, the first one noticed, will say, hang on a second. There's some gestures I teach. You know, this may not be the best time to talk.
Let's pick a time when we can talk.
So when the mood shifts, we want to bring us back to now. It's the only power we have is right here, now with you. With me.
[00:10:29] Speaker B: Do you recommend any special schedule? You gave a great example of, you know, kids at home working the. The. You know, it's hard. It's like two passing ships sometimes. When you're. When you're in this season of life, what do you have a schedule you recommend or like what? Any routines you put in place to help make that happen more regularly or often. That works well.
[00:10:48] Speaker C: Well, it has to be coordinated with your some couples that go to work early and come home early, some people go to work late and they're all night long and they wake up when they get home.
So we want to customize what you might call quality time, which is part of the five love languages model, which may be the next quarter. We'll look at that. So like I have a couple I saw yesterday, he's, he goes to work at 4, he's home at 9, he loads trucks for UPS.
But she, you know, manages a taco store and she only goes to work at 12.
And the children get up when the children get up. So I said listen, let's make sure that when you're, when you get home before you leave for work, we have breakfast together.
And for the children it might be a second breakfast because they're up early. But make sure that you, the dad, you know, have one on one quality time with your entire family at work. But find a couple of doctors, they're fried by the time they get home at 8 o' clock at night. It's not the time to talk.
So they got up an hour earlier. They get up at 4am, walk the dog, have breakfast, then go off to work. So basically it's kind of a make sure that you have time together.
[00:12:07] Speaker B: It sounds like such a simple thing, but I guess in these seasons especially you really have to be planful about quality time. It doesn't matter how you do it, when you do it, but you have to, it's part of the bubble. It sounds like ensuring you have that quality time because if you don't plan the now, it just gonna slip. Is that so?
[00:12:25] Speaker C: In the next segments, let's talk about the five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think we're about time for that.
[00:12:32] Speaker B: That sounds great.
[00:12:33] Speaker C: But it looks like we're on schedule for.
[00:12:35] Speaker B: Yep. So when we come back, we'll go into that. We'll open up with the five loving love languages and I do want to go deeper into that and resolving conflicts. So awesome first segment. I look forward to the next one after this commercial break.
[00:12:49] Speaker A: We'll be right back with more stories, lessons and practical tools to help you rise in leaders, business and life. This is Go Higher on NOW Media Television.
And we're back. I'm Erica Butler and you're watching Go Higher on NOW Media Television. Let's continue the conversation that helps you
[00:13:07] Speaker B: lead live and love with purpose. Welcome back to Go Higher. I'm your Host Erica Butler. And we're back here with Paul Zohav. He's the founder of Marriage and Communication Coaching.
Right now, we're going to dive into a really important part of navigating marriage, and it's the five love links. Love languages. It's something I love, I've done for a long time. So I can't wait to dive in with a real expert who does this with clients. So, Paul, take it away. What do you want to tell us about the five love languages? How can we integrate this into our lives?
[00:13:39] Speaker C: Having a great life together is as easy as changing the sheets.
My spouse likes to change the sheets every single week, which in my younger years I might have done a little less frequently.
However, now that I know that her love language is acts of service, I lucky you. Our us jumps into the conversation figuratively. And they said, listen, if you help her with the sheets, you're choosing to love her in her love language. She'll feel loved from you. At the end of the day, we will have more together.
And when she says thank you for stripping the bed, I'll feel love. Because words of affirmation is my love language.
It's the easiest changing the sheets when you know who you're dancing with and how they. How they feel loved.
Stepping back. This is from. From within the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, who distinguishes that people feel loved in slightly different ways.
As you know, some people are really like quality time. That's me.
Acts of service. I'm a counselor, so I do that. She also teaches languages at the University of Arizona. There's physical touch, which I point out is a love language with many dialects, then there's gifts.
So when we have once you and there's a chapter on each one of those in the book Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
And I reckon I. I assign the couples to read the first nine chapters aloud and then take the quiz, and you may find out that you've been misloving each other out of sync the entire time.
My spouse doesn't. Probably her fourth love language is words of affirmation. It's probably one of my firsts. She's learned to say thank you for doing the dishes, thank you for helping fold the laundry. And I feel loved.
And when I do something to take care of her, she feels loved because she expresses love in her life by taking care of people, including me.
And when I take care of her, she feels loved. When I do Norton Utilities on her laptop, when I buy her a new laptop, you know, when I did the Refinance for our house. She didn't want to have anything to do with it until the notary public came.
So I've learned how to take care of her and leaving her feel loved, and she's learned how to take care of me, and I feel loved. And quality time. We go out and have a fine old time.
It's really not.
[00:16:12] Speaker B: Yeah, it's so powerful. I remember walking through this just a few years ago, and I found out my husband's love language is acts of service, just like your wives. And I was like. And to me, that was a hard one because I don't feel loved that way. But you're right. When it's so opposite, you really have to work at it. But it's like magic when you actually put it into place. It's beautiful. You're so right.
[00:16:32] Speaker C: Not that we'll spend much time on this, but when people fall into infidelity, it's often belongs in this neighborhood because they, they, they think they're loving each other when they're misloving each other.
He went by, he calls me up saying, there's something wrong with my wife. When we learn a little closer. Let's listen closely. Turns out that she wants to have quality time.
Let's go to the. Let's go to the, to the gym. Let's go for a walk. Let's walk the dog. And he's so busy taking care of his business that he declines. So she finds herself vulnerable to find quality time with somebody else.
True story.
So learn how to love each other. It'll save you a lot of grief. Increased amount of cooperation and love between the two of you. Learn how five love languages. Go for it. I can talk about this at a lot, but I'll add.
[00:17:27] Speaker B: Can you give practical examples for. Because some of us, if we don't love a certain way, naturally, it really is a foreign concept. And we're like, why does that matter? But can you give practical examples for each? Like, some of them are common sense. But like, what are ways people can stretch into loving better in those ways, even if it's uncomfortable at first.
[00:17:44] Speaker C: You may have noticed that we used to say, you're welcome more frequently than we do now.
People have said to me, you know, I'm more likely to say, you're welcome to a stranger than at home.
So the important part of love languages is acknowledging and appreciation one another.
And I tell the first session, I say, what do you want to thank them for? You're welcome.
What do you want to. How do you want what way of being do you appreciate them for? And then they say thanks and you say you're welcome. When you say no prob, there's no connection.
Most no big deal, think nothing of it. No worries, huh? Or total shrug.
You have to say you're welcome. Before there's a connection you have to say you're welcome. Otherwise it's just words and words are not, are not connecting. No prob means no life.
So learn to appreciate one another. We spend a lot of time on I'm proud of you for. Admire you for. Respect you for. Love you for.
So first thing we want to put back on the road is appreciation for ourselves and for our children and anybody else.
When I was a hospital chaplain at one time, I would appreciate the guy with the mop thank you for, you know, taking care of us that way because if you didn't do it in two hours, we would start to notice.
Practice random acts of appreciation. The world will thank you for it. So that's that one.
The other main one that gets people into trouble is physical touch which they often conflate confuse with love and intimacy. And there's nothing wrong with love and intimacy. But those are just two dialects of a very much broader language.
Starting with hugs when you come home.
And researchers have found that hugs typically last about three seconds.
When a hug lasts 20 seconds or more.
There's a therapeutic effect on body mind.
Calm, relax, come home and you transition from life out there to us in here. We want to take a good long hug.
It lowers blood really quick.
[00:19:56] Speaker B: Paul, is that for everybody or is that just for the ones that get that in the five love languages who feel that or is that for everybody?
[00:20:03] Speaker C: Everybody you know, clearly, you know, out there in the family you want to love your children want to hug your. But hugs balance out the nervous system.
The amount of electricity and moisture in our bodies indicates a calm state.
It's important for children to build self esteem.
It's, you know and it turns out the language that communication is about 70% non verbal.
There's a professor named Markipian, forgive me if I'm pronouncing his name wrong.
7% the words you use, 38% the tone and how you say it and 55% is body language. Notice my hand starting to move, right?
You could say I think it's a good idea or it's a good idea.
[00:20:57] Speaker B: Passion.
[00:20:58] Speaker C: When we speak with our entire bodies, we multiply the possibility of excellent communication.
[00:21:07] Speaker B: Positively or negatively.
[00:21:09] Speaker C: Well, you know, it's basically you want to.
In the olden Days in Victorian era, you were promised for speaking out of turn.
Children were supposed to be seen and not heard. And you were punished if you broke that boundary.
That's why we still have that phrase, children should be seen and not heard. But it doesn't. It's not a source of punishment. So much we want to invite our children to speak.
Otherwise we don't know how to be a parent.
You know, your child comes up, I want this really expensive toy.
And you. And you might be tempted to react, no, no, no, too expensive. Or you say, yes, I'm hearing. I'm listening to you. Tell me more.
You might find out that that experience of toy is not what's going on for them, but might be their feeling about their relationships and how they feel about school friends.
We don't get to react to our children.
Yes, I'm listening.
And then they feel loved, honored and respected. And then when you say, I'm not so sure that's a good idea, they might be able to hear you, but
[00:22:16] Speaker B: you first show up fully attentive. Yes, I'm listening. And then you can get to that. Any type of reaction.
[00:22:23] Speaker C: Okay, that's a love. That's a good brief visit to love languages.
And then there.
[00:22:30] Speaker B: Well, hey, let me make sure we share where people can find you, Paul. And can you show us your book and tell us about the book coming out shortly?
[00:22:37] Speaker C: Well, this is what it looks like. Marriage and Communication Recipes for Life is formatted as a cookbook.
There are no chapters to understand, there's no long dialogues. There's just a set of recipes that when you follow them, you get your cake, only the cake is your marriage.
The very first one is yes, and that's the very first recipe and the third one, and you can get it in Amazon.com Marriage and communication recipes for Life.
And it guides you, more or less. The program I do with my couples is in that book, recipe by recipe.
A word I left out a minute ago is that the third most possible powerful word is the word seems.
Seems, seems. Because when I speak to you, I know that your mind automatically goes to, is it good? Is it bad, Is it right, Is it wrong? Do I agree or do I disagree?
And if we don't match up, we'll stop listening and stop communicating. And that's why we need the word seems. We'll argue about whose truth is true or whose reality is most real and who's right and who's wrong.
That's not communicating. For that we need the word seems, which lets you know it's not the truth we get to argue about it. Seems to get you less let's talk about it where truth will get you a no a but and an argument.
Seems to me we bring up the past over and over again. Seems we've never really talked about this.
Seems to me we'll get you a discussion where truth will get you an
[00:24:21] Speaker B: argument and seems is less attacking. I guess you know, it's more inviting like I'm, I'm. Oh yeah.
[00:24:31] Speaker C: And then we get the personality types but you only when you're ready for that sort of thing. I know.
Are we ready for that?
[00:24:39] Speaker B: Yeah. Well I think we'll do that in the next segment which will be great. But do you want to share about your website and if people want to work with you? Do you work also online on Zoom and things or are you mostly locally or where. Where is your practice?
[00:24:52] Speaker C: Majority of my practice is locally because people like in person sessions.
For some odd reason a lot of my competitors have do it almost, almost virtually.
How can you coach a couple successfully as a counselor? I'm a coach, you know entirely from your Zoom so and I've coached couples from any from here to Austria. You know it does the program does convey. It's about five sessions, 90 minutes each. Two two weeks apart.
Marriage and communication.com I will make the time zones work and you will get the full value of the five love languages personality types. You'll make it to your 50th wedding anniversary.
[00:25:39] Speaker B: It's my promise and everybody wants that. My grandparents celebrate it 70 years. So I mean that's what we could all wish and hope for.
[00:25:48] Speaker C: And I was a hospice chaplain and I took care of a couple that he was about six months from passing on, moving forward, so to speak.
And they were married for 65 years which is for me is totally mind blowing because I was born the minute they got married.
Hey, what's that now that my son's going to turn 50? That's mind blowing too.
[00:26:14] Speaker B: It's amazing how that happens.
[00:26:16] Speaker C: I have a 50 year old son but this couple, they were just tying the knot when I first opened my eyes.
One of the gifts of being a chaplain, you get to be see things like this 70 years and I see couples who come in their 20s. I said what's at stake here is your next 50 years together.
Why should you, why should you, why should you come here for marriage and communication coaching?
Because get it, get it together by the time you're 30 and you got 50 years more or more, you know,
[00:26:53] Speaker B: so it's but also the beautiful spillover for your children and your community. I mean, good marriages help everyone around them. I truly believe that it's a force. But let's wrap on that. Wrap up on that. And we'll go to our next segment. So catch you after the commercial break.
[00:27:08] Speaker A: We'll be right back with more stories, lessons and practical tools to help you rise in leadership, business and life. This is Go Higher on NOW Media Television.
And we're back. I'm Erica Butler and you're watching Go Higher on NOW Media Television. Let's continue the conversation that helps you
[00:27:26] Speaker B: lead live and love with purpose.
Welcome back to Go HIGHER with THE NOW media. I'm Erica Butler, your host, CEO of Higher Human Resources. And we are having the most amazing learning experience today with Paul Zohav. He brings decades of frontline experience working with people in pain, crisis in all situations, through marriage and building up marriages, and primarily through his expertise in communication and teaching people how to communicate in healthy ways. So, Paul, thanks again for being here. So happy to have you on the show.
[00:27:58] Speaker C: And thank you for being here. I love doing this. I get up every day to do this.
Earlier in the first two segments we talked about communication skills.
Second and second section was mostly about love languages.
Now we get to look at personality types.
I direct people to 16personalities.com 1,6personalities.com.
You want to take the quiz there without overthinking the questions because if you're like me, I can find three right answers in multiple choice. Don't do that.
Answer the question. Your first answer is your answer and they'll send you a report.
Four letters and four percentages.
You might be an introvert or an extrovert.
You might be a censor or intuitive. I'll talk about these more. You might be a thinker or a feeler or a judger and a perceiver. Four letters, four percentages.
Extroverts have significant need for social interaction to feel well. They get energy from being with people.
If they don't hang out with people, they get grumpy. My daughter was an extrovert in a family of introverts and she was always bored.
If your child bored, you can know pretty much guess that they're an extrovert need to get out and do something because that's where their energy is.
And then there are people like me. I'm an introvert.
I'm self generating. I spend most of my time in my house. Sometimes I make myself go out because I'm too much. People leave me feeling exhausted when we go out to dinner with my. With our friends. And sometimes there's 10 people around a table all in three different conversations. And I'm going, I'll actually leave the dining table, hang out in the living room until I can breathe again.
There's more conversation. So you want to be introvert or extrovert? Someone came who's 99% extrovert. He sang this in a rock band.
And somebody came was a 99% introvert.
And she has cat, books, music, Internet, garden, cable. And she probably has her food delivered too, and works from home because she's completely self contained, self generating. And that's how she manages. And I manage my life, by and large as well. Introvert, extrovert, very important.
Then there's a letter S or letter N. You might be a sensor or intuitive. Sensors are detail oriented. They want to know how.
That's why my book is a cookbook. They want to know how.
But some of us are like intuitives. I like big answers.
The big answer the better.
However, my spouse is a censor.
So she'll say, why are we still talking about this? I thought we figured this out an hour ago. I said, but can't you see this will change world history. It's so exciting.
And she said, yes. And remember. Yes. And how about we can stop and go to lunch? Because she's into accomplishing life rather than reflecting on life broadly.
Censors follow policy, policies, procedures, rules, regulations, manuals and recipes.
They don't mess with the recipe. I will mess with the recipe. I'll do substitutions just to see, you know, why not almond flour? Why just use self rising flour?
And then there's thinkers and feelers. People who tend to be analytical, logical, look for solutions and plans, and their own emotions don't show up highly in that world. Like Sheldon. Big Bang Theory. Watch Big Bang Theory.
[00:31:59] Speaker B: Oh, yes.
[00:32:00] Speaker C: You know, he totally analyze it, figure out.
But people tend to marry feelers who respond to life with their feelings primarily.
[00:32:12] Speaker B: Oh, the opposite often.
[00:32:14] Speaker C: So the opposites will be a feeler very often.
[00:32:18] Speaker B: Oh, interesting.
[00:32:20] Speaker C: The thinker thinks, oh, that's so. They seem much more happier than in their life. I want some of that.
Then they marry and then they ignore it. So a thinker might try to argue the feeler out of their feelings. Why do you feel that way? It's a yes or no question. It's not a big deal. Why are we spending so much time on this?
And the feeler walks away. You don't care about me or my feelings and your relationship springs a leak I honor all my spouses.
[00:32:46] Speaker B: That's what they want. That's so good right there. I just want to pause just feelers because I'm a feeler. They want just be with them, just be in it with them.
Not solve everything. That's good. That's a really good point.
[00:32:58] Speaker C: Their life is not yours to solve.
Many of us, men in particular, but not only say, will give unsolicited advice and suggestions when all they want to be is heard and listened to.
At work, we are paid to collaborate, cooperate, solve problems and achieve goals.
When you go work, you leave that at work because if you treat her life as a problem for you to solve, they feel un, unheard, disrespected.
Again, your relationship was, well, that's just like they'll spring a leak.
Don't give unsolicited advice no matter how badly you want to. I've seen elements like, they need to know this. They'd be, oh, they'd be so happy if they only knew this. And I say, no, they want to be heard. And if you listen to them, they'll figure it out for themselves.
And unless until they say, what would you do? We don't add our two cents.
That's the thing in thinkers and feelers. And then the last letter pair is judgers and perceivers.
Judgers. The more they know, the happier they are.
They want to be able to anticipate the experience and the results.
So the more you feed them in details, the happier they are. They feel confident and we don't. I don't say to my spouse, I'll handle it soon without saying by Friday, unless it's in time. It doesn't exist.
[00:34:28] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:34:30] Speaker C: It does not exist.
We like to pack the trunk the night before we leave. I say, we can pack the trunk in the morning. Morning, what's the big deal? But I know she'll be, you know, may pack the trunk when you get up in the morning.
And so I learned to speak to my judge or spouse and, well, I'll choose a restaurant that she likes because it's the quality time we'll have together, not the right food.
Neither one of us is foodies and we go to Costco and sometimes we have two shopping carts.
She's into accomplishing shopping. She has a shopping list. She follows the shopping list. But I like to experience shopping, the pleasure of shopping, the exploration and discovery of shopping. So there have been times that she has one cart, I have the other cart. I get to have my fun. She has to have her accomplishment. And she says, Call me, meet me at the checkout stand. I say yes, and I'll be there.
Once you know who you're married to and how they process life, we can make the right choices. Drop down menu for marriage.
Once you know who you're married to, that's really the bottom line. Know who you're married to. It's not about compatibility. It's about responsibility and mutual knowledge.
[00:35:49] Speaker B: You talked about springing a leak a few times. How can you tell when most people spring a leak? Or is it more silent for some than others? Like, how can we be on guard if we sprung a leak with our spouse?
[00:36:01] Speaker C: Well, if you spend, if you spend a lot of time not listening to them, eventually they stop listening, they stop speaking.
They don't feel like my. My feelings don't matter.
You know, if I do my thinker chance with them, they feel, you know, why talk?
Or perhaps one of us starts raising their voice and that leaves them pulling away just for safety.
And perhaps, you know, you find out after a while you don't talk as much as you used to, you're not having much quality time, and your children are grown. So there are lots of signs and signals that your marriage, your us, has begun to shrink.
The bigger the us, the more we are as individuals together.
Lots of signs.
And every time you notice, I go, hang on a second. It seems to me that I feel unheard.
And I teach them how to communicate so they feel heard, honored, and respect the person.
[00:37:05] Speaker B: No. So they're not guessing.
[00:37:07] Speaker C: You know, they say what? You know, the brief version is, they say, seems to me I have a difficulty communicating, says one of them. And you say, yes. What I hear you saying is that it seems the word seems to one of us that we have difficulty communicating. Did I get that right? To confirm that, what you heard, what they said, like a volleyball game, you know, keep on passing the ball, the sort of back and forth, back and forth. So we disappear the net and then we can go, and how should we handle this?
Really?
What he was saying is, I get that right? Tell me more. Three lines for the listener.
And everybody feels heard, honored, and respected.
[00:37:52] Speaker B: Do you do the Myers Briggs with all of your clients? Is that part of your process?
[00:37:56] Speaker C: The first homework? Between first and second sessions, go to the 5 Love Languages, 16 personalities.com, come back with the report, and you may discover that along the way, you've been misloving each other completely, misunderstanding, taking things impersonally that do not deserve to be taken personally. And so there's a lot of, aha, in the first two weeks between first and second session.
[00:38:20] Speaker B: Wow, that's good. Well, we're already wrapping up our third segment. Going fast here.
Where can people find you again, Paul,
[00:38:29] Speaker C: on marriage and communication.com and I answer anyone who reaches out to me. And even if you're the faraway place, we can make my webmasters in Calcutta, Kolkata. And so we just make sure it's 12 and a half hours ahead. Yes, really.
I'm committed for extraordinary lives for you, your children, your communities from home to work.
Marriageandcommunication.com
[00:38:58] Speaker B: wonderful. We can definitely sense that from you, Paul. Thank you. All right. We'll take a short break and be back in a a bit.
[00:39:04] Speaker A: We'll be right back with more stories, lessons and practical tools to help you rise in leadership, business and life. This is Go Higher on NOW Media Television.
And we're back. I'm Erica Butler and you're watching Go Higher on NOW Media Television. Let's continue the conversation that helps you
[00:39:22] Speaker B: lead live and love with purpose. Welcome back to Go Higher with Erica Butler. Stay connected to this show and every NOW Media TV favorite live or on demand, anytime you like. Like you can download the free Now Media TV app on Roku or iOS and unlock non stop bilingual programming in both English and Spanish. Even if you're on the move, you can catch the podcast
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i am here with Paul Zohav and I've just really enjoyed our conversation so far about Myers Briggs and love languages and really practical tools to help in communication in relationships. We're going to take it another step further and talk a little more about for teenagers. So this is something that Paul's working on. He's writing a book now as well. So let's dive into this, Paul, I'll let you just lead the way about communication for teens and your recommendations.
[00:40:16] Speaker C: My landmark memory is I was a substitute teacher in Nelson County, Virginia High School, which is south of Charlottesville, on the way to Lynchburg.
And for some reason I had told the young women there, you don't have to accept abuse from your boyfriend.
And they go, but Mr. Z. They call me Mr. Z.
If I don't accept abuse from my boyfriend, I don't have a boyfriend.
[00:40:42] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:40:44] Speaker C: I got it. You know, and when I completed my degree of counseling from the University of Virginia, one of the first places because of that.
[00:40:52] Speaker B: Yes. Those moments, wow. You're like, there's a problem and you wanted to help solve it. Oh, wow, that's powerful.
[00:40:58] Speaker C: I started classes for domestic abusers Men perpetrators. And after a while I understood that maybe I want to prevent it. How do I make our children safe so the damage doesn't happen to us?
And I switched to basically finding a way to educate our children. The biggest challenge I found they don't know how to say no.
Teenagers want to be popular, accepted. Their mind is saying you should be in love and their body is saying you should definitely be in love.
[00:41:38] Speaker B: It's confusing for them.
[00:41:40] Speaker C: They have a harmonal chorus going on inside their bodies.
And their friend or someone with whom they want to be a friend says I have a great idea, let's do this thing. We'll be back by 2am how about it?
And your teenager knows it.
Not for me, but I'm afraid of losing the connection of being unpopular and picky or add so on and so forth.
So one of the things they get to learn is does it sound familiar? Yes, I hear you and I'd rather do something else.
Yes means I heard your idea, I heard your idea, I appreciate your idea and I'd rather do something else. Thank you very much. That's how you teach a teenager to say no. By saying yes, it preserves maintains the connection lesson be self respectful. Because when you exchange a piece of yourself for the sake of that it's a terrible life strategy.
You treat your absolutely yourself as something to be traded and how best, how better to say it. You know, if I put you have a teenager who's 16 years old and they have one of these moments, well in 20, you know, in five years they may run to, to be slightly stereotypical, please forgive me, curly hair, abs, hot car.
And they may be tempted to let this person into their life, their bubble when they don't belong there.
So we want to teach our children to know who they are and who they're not with the communication skills required to be safe and have extraordinary lives and relationships.
When you exchange a piece of yourself in exchange for a contract for a sale, it is a terrible strategy.
You know, we want to teach our children how to be safe. And if you're a parent, I'm guessing you look, you might be one you want.
[00:43:50] Speaker B: Yes, I am.
[00:43:50] Speaker C: When they get to be adults, you want to be confident they don't get into trouble.
Flip side of that.
When their children when their eyes first open, they are beginning to develop an operating system for life.
An OS for you first they develop operating system for their body moving their hands and their lips and making sounds and yaya and haha.
Shortly thereafter they learn how to operating system for expressing Themselves. No, that's a terrible tooth. Okay.
And then they pay attention to their environment. That's you and your spouse.
And they're going to have relationships largely influenced by how your parents communicate or don't.
You know, very often a young person remember, little jugs have big ears.
Most parents, when they get into a hassle, they forget the children are listening.
And whether you have grandchildren one day may have to do with how you treated each other while you're raising children.
[00:45:01] Speaker B: Wow, that's. That's a mic drop. That's. Gives you something to think about, not a joke.
[00:45:06] Speaker C: Because if you're, if you watch, you witness your parents screaming at each other for two years where they finally got a divorce and you're 7 or 8 or 10 years old. Old, it's got to make a huge dent in your fender and your capacity to maintain or seek out or have good quality relationships because your model is scream and divorce.
You know, there are couples that come to me who are on the edge of divorce because they don't know how to stay together.
That's when they often come to me.
You know, divorce is expensive and hint coaching is far cheaper.
And I guarantee you that by after five sessions with me, you will either stay together happily in love or be very confident that, you know, why not with no regrets.
There's a couple better as friends than as married.
They shared four children from 12 to 19 years of age.
And once they took the marriage off the table, they could be focused on co parenting and being friends.
So sometimes I call it plan B.
So coming to marriage and communication coaching is necessary, guarantee you your marriage will last.
But if it doesn't, you'll have no regrets and have great lives together.
[00:46:29] Speaker B: And you have to go for it. At least try. If you didn't do any counseling or anything to try, you know, what are your five sessions like? What, what do you. What is the process you walk people through? You shared a little bit about that, but what are the five
[00:46:43] Speaker C: we learn first? Half an hour. Yes, ands and seems and other key communication skills. Like tends to.
If you say always, ever and ever and only, you will tend to stop communicating.
Okay. Tends to. Another magic word. You will learn your love languages.
You will learn your personality types.
You will learn how to speak, be heard, and know yourself to be heard.
That's about the end of the third session. The fourth session will have to do with rewriting old code.
Because I learned when I was five that no one cares what I want.
Long story, but. So for the next 50 years, I wouldn't ask because no one cares. Why write this book?
No one will read it.
And so but some people grow up knowing that they're not good enough or that cheating happens.
Whatever it is. We pick up these little memes developed by an immature intelligence five years old, let's say.
And that keeps running beneath the surface of your marriage until you can rewrite old code. And we do that around the fourth session. You will learn how to apologize.
No one really knows how to apologize.
You know, people say I'm sorry as if it's an apology. But it is not an apology. I'm sorry is about you.
It's not about us.
When you apologize, you have a path forward for us.
You could be ashamed or be responsible.
Shame doesn't bring a path forward. Being responsible does.
Language is the house of being, says Martin Heidegger. You could be guilty. Blame me it's my fault or you say I'm accountable. I intend because you could hope you can wish or get plan or anticipate.
Language is the house of being. I encourage people to live in a house where they are at the source of their marriage. Not like I'm shame. Blame me, it's my fault. I'm guilty of that.
I'll try next time. I better hope get the flavor of that words we speak phrase our experience of being alive. Pick the words that give you the most life.
Another question
[00:49:05] Speaker B: Uplift each other.
[00:49:07] Speaker C: You know you don't accept the word try from your child.
Don't give them the word try.
You know okay, I'll.
I'll try Mom. Okay. Sit down. Eat dinner when I coach the Some of the teachers of the Tucson United School District they learned a brand new way like Joey comes to the teacher's Matt Mrs. Jones dog ate my homework now the teacher says yes, I hear you. Remember that and by when will you have your you can teach integrity to a 10 year old.
That's how you do it. My wife used to teach fourth grade and so any excuses we yes, I hear you. Don't get your homework started to hear that and by when will I see your assignment?
This is essential to raise children with integrity accountability.
[00:49:58] Speaker B: Yeah yeah.
[00:50:00] Speaker C: Results they start using words like I'll try you're on the wrong trail.
Maybe if we have time for one more thing. Do we have time for one more thing?
[00:50:12] Speaker B: Yeah, go for it. Absolutely. We have time for one more thing. Yes.
[00:50:15] Speaker C: Perfect language is the house of being and if we listen carefully we'll hear I have to, I need to, I should and I must.
Republicans need to Democrats have to. The President should, the United States must.
It's all out there. And we grow up in this world of have to, need to, should, ought to, and must.
And we listen closely. We'll hear, or else I have to. Or else we need to. Or else we have to do this. We should do that.
By which you can understand that you are not free.
You are reacting to circumstances and you are not free.
You're a bus. You're a passenger in your own bus, and you're not the driver because you have to, you need to, you should, and you ought to, and you must.
And yet the way out is really, really easy. You swap an O for an E. You get to get to life.
Feel that. And to get to life, you have choice, possibility, opportunity.
You can change your mind for no consequence just because you changed your mind.
So when they get, they go.
If someone says, well, I have to go shopping, partner says, have to remember that I get. We get to go shopping. I mean, which is easier to have to go to work or get to go to work?
[00:51:38] Speaker B: It's true. That's completely.
[00:51:39] Speaker C: Do I have to do my homework? No, you don't have to do your homework. You get to do your homework.
I have to get to your homework. We'll get you C's and D's. I get to your homework, get you done sooner with A's and B's.
[00:51:51] Speaker B: Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. I think that's a really beautiful note to end on, but what a meaningful conversation, Paul. It really does remind us that stronger relationships, it's not by accident. You know, you give people the real data, more learning about themselves and tools that actually work. Yes. And I'm taking that home today. Yes. And. And so much more. And I encourage our audience to really take these tools and start putting them practice within your relationships today. So tangible. Thank you so much, Paul. I loved having you on. Go higher today. And we wish you all a wonderful rest of the day.
[00:52:23] Speaker C: Thank you very much. And there's lots of videos and podcasts on my website too. You can do some studying on there too. Come to marriage and communication, comments, coaching. We'll make a difference.
[00:52:35] Speaker B: Fantastic. Thank you.
